Some days, foster care adoption really sucks. Pardon my language, but it sucks.
Don’t take this the wrong way, because I love all the gifts foster care has given us. I have siblings, children, cousins, friends, church children, etc, that I love who are only in my life thanks to foster care. I would not trade these people for anything; especially my children.
As I was helping the Princess clean up her room, I was looking at her pages in her “journal”. She writes amazing little stories and I love to encourage that. Usually it’s filled with sweet thoughts and “I want puppy but Daddy does not like dogs”. Today it was not. I opened up the pages and saw “Doodle(it had her real name on it) I am sad because I miss my mom and you get to see your mom.”
My little heart shattered.
It’s not the first time Princess has brought up her first mom in the past few months. It’s been almost 9 months since we last saw her and every so often Princess will ask about her. Where is she? Why can’t I see her? Is she okay? But seeing it there in writing, with her feelings word and identifying that it hurts Doodle gets to see her parents…it made my heart break a little more than usual.
So I’m getting a little extra authentic and honest in this post, which is being written after I had to lock myself in the bathroom to cry for a few minutes.
Sometimes older child adoption sucks.
Not because of the children; they make it worth it everyday.
But there’s confusion. There’s a battle in the head of my daughter, where she loves us and wants to be with us, but she loves her first family and doesn’t understand why she can’t be with that mom too. She watches as our older daughter has a great relationship with her birth family, one I am forever grateful for, and cannot fathom why she can’t have that same situation.
There’s hurt. She’s seen so much in her short 7 years of life. I don’t need to go into that on here and honestly, it’s never been my way to tell the “before” stories of my children. Someday they may choose to share them, they may not. But I’m okay with saying her life has seen a lot more than any 7 year old ever deserves to see.
Adoption is the one of the greatest joys I’ve ever experienced; any situation that added children to my home has been on the top of my “greatest moments of life” lists.
But I cannot sit back and pretend my children didn’t go through trauma to get here. I cannot pretend that adoption, at the core, has a broken and painful beginning. Adoption begins with the tearing apart of a family. No matter what your opinion is of a birth family, they are still a child’s first family.
Some days, my heart is heavy in adoption. Often it’s heavy for the birth families, but today, it hurts for my children. For my daughter, who misses a mom I can’t produce for her right now. For her confusion and her pain. I would do anything to get rid of her hurt but other than holding her as she cries through this. There’s nothing I can do but tell her I love her, remind her that her first mama loves her too, even if she isn’t here, and let her cry as I fight back my own tears.
Adoption is wonderful. I will always tell people that, because my life has been abundantly blessed by it. But today? Adoption hurts. Adoption is breaking my heart.
Today, adoption really sucks.
Please keep my beautiful little Princess and us in your prayers as we try to bring her comfort.