To the Mama Loving a Child Afraid of Love,
You stop it. You stop it right now. I see you sitting in the background near tears, knowing that showing the weakness of tears would only reassure the child that they are winning this time. Knowing that hurting you is the goal, so you can’t show that weakness.
You stop that thought right now. You’re wondering if you’re a good mother. You’re wondering if you are a good enough mother. You’re sitting there, beating yourself up over how terrible you are, how your child would be loved and taken better care of anywhere else. You don’t think you can do this one more night.
You might have bruises right now; your child might. The walls have been kicked, the floor has been kicked, your face has been kicked. It’s not the first time you’ve had things thrown at you, their body has been rammed into yours, your night has come to a screeching halt. This isn’t the first time what you thought was a good day was trashed because the tiniest little incident. This isn’t the first time you had plans for fun or rewarding things and they decided to throw a wrench into to it. It probably won’t be the last time either.
They’re screaming that they hate you and in the same breath begging you to love them. They’re breaking their most prized possessions and with the same hands reaching out, asking for you to give them more. You’re feeling hated, you’re feeling worthless, you’re feeling like a failure.
Don’t do it. Don’t you dare entertain those thoughts for a moment.
Mama, you are not the worst mother. You are not a failure. You are hanging on by the grace of God and holding to His promises right now. This parenting time may be that time when you can’t do all-but you have to rely on the only One who can. It may be a day when you have to set it all before your Father’s feet and give it all up to Him.
I know those days so well, sweet mama. I truly do. The days when your sitting next to a door, listening to your sweet child sobbing, knowing that going in and comforting them will take away any progress the past hour has made. I know the prayers you’re praying, desperate and broken.
You are not a failure mama. You are fighting a big demon; one that is exhausting, one that tears apart souls, one that doesn’t believe anything is winning. But you’re not fighting it alone. You have the Rock and Redeemer of this world on your side.
Right now, in the middle of it all, I want you to remember that. Jesus is fighting with you. He has you and your child in His hands. I know too well that today is a fight; I was in that fight just a few hours ago. And I want you to remember that in the midst of this storm, you have the One who calmed the storm with his voice alone, telling your soul to Be Still. Be Still, my friend. This moment will pass I promise.
And you are a good mother through this moment. You are loving a child who doesn’t want your love, but so craves your love-a child who rebels against it and at the same time begs for it. This will not be the last argument, meltdown, or fight. It’s the hard and sad truth. But you are a mother who is relying on the Father to love His child whole heartedly. You are amazing. You are strong. You are worthy and you are not failing.
Rinse and repeat that.
a mama who gets it.