I have a secret, one I hate to acknowledge.
I have a really hard time with having faith in God.
I know, that seems crazy considering how often I talk about my faith, all the things I do with my faith, being a big part of my great church…but I struggle often with keeping my faith. I don’t mean faith with a capital “F”-I’m pretty solidly a Christian in the sense that I believe whole heartedly in Jesus Christ and the gospel. But when it comes to faith with a lower case “f”, the kind that believes in the things you do not know and cannot see and waiting for God to come through? I rarely have that.
The Bible says to have the faith of a child, but I don’t. My kids hear something, we tell them it will be okay, God knows best and they take it. They smile, they believe; they have the kind of faith I wish I had.
Job had a faith I wish I could claim. A good, righteous man who the devil believed he could break and God knew Job would never falter. I read those verses often, wondering if I could have held that tightly in the face of the tragedies Job faced. In Job 42:2, it says ““I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” Even in the face of everything he loved leaving, being cast down and attacked, Job looked to God to fulfill His promises. Even in the midst of the ugliest parts of this world, Job believed in His plan and would not turn from God.
I wish I could say I’m like that.
I wish I could say I never falter, that my faith is like Jobs. Like a child. But it’s not. I am a person of weak faith, who questions God at every turn. Despite being seen through so much, despite Him reaching down to the depths of my despair, I still find myself doubting and running from Him when things don’t seem perfect.
The Bible tells us that faith the size of a mustard seed is great in itself. But sometimes, I wish my faith wasn’t that little. I’d take a pumpkin seed instead. Or a sunflower seed.
I’m beginning to work on this aspect of my Christian life. It’s not an easy one, to make a doubter like myself begin to trust in God’s way every day, without a question. And I know I will fail just as often as I succeed, maybe more in the beginning of this journey. But I want my faith to be something I am honored by, not embarrassed by. So I am willing to take on the hard parts and fight for my faith.
I’m here to tell you all that you can feel free to hold me accountable. And to be authentic. My faith is weak, but I am trying-oh am I trying. I’ll take your prayers on it as well.