EN&MH: A Letter to my Husband About Mama’s Depression.

If you’ve been around here the past month or so, you know May was hard on me. I’ve been struggling with a pretty deep depression. Whether it’s related to physical reasons, seasonal things, who knows. What I do know is mamas depression has been prevalent and loud.

In the wake of this season of depression, I have found myself slacking in certain areas. In those areas my husband has had to step up. Today I wanted to share with the world a letter of thank you to my husband, who has stepped up so much in my brokenness.

To my husband, picking up the slack in the midst of my mental illness.

I am so sorry.

I hate that this is how my mind works. Whenever my moods spin out of control and my emotions are wild, it seems we find ourselves here. You doing far more than you should in our partnership and me trying to get by. The laundry, the dishes, picking up-they all seem to feel like milestones that I can’t keep on top of. An outsider sees our house and would say, “No Lauren, you’re doing great!” but you know the truth. Far more often I’m doing great at watching a movie with the kids or I’m baking so I can overindulge.

My moods change more than I want. The swings are intense and you love me through them. You love me even when I’m yelling over milk spilling or seething at something so meaningless. When there is no patience left in me, you are a rock I am able to lean into. You’re the anchor as my storms toss our family boat around.

I really am sorry you have to be those things. Through thick and thin you are though.

I hope you know how thankful I am that you are the man I married. That God knew exactly what He was doing when He put you in my life. I hope you know how grateful I am that you are picking up my slack. That you show up at 125% on the days I barely manage 50. Dear husband, I hope you know how much I love that about you.

My sweet husband, I hope you know I wish I could just get better. That it was as simple as choosing to feel better or getting over it. I pray you know everyday that I would rather be awesome and fun all the time. That I want to love you as well as you love me constantly. I hope you know I am trying. I am trying so so so hard to be better. And I am so sorry I’m not yet.

I hope you know this depression isn’t a reflection of you.

My prayer is you know it’s not because I’m unhappy with our marriage. It isn’t in response to being discontent with the life we are living. I am so happy with the life we have made. You are the best husband I ever could have asked for and I would choose you a thousands times more.

I am forever thankful for how well you love me. How sacrificially you love me. I imagine God smiles down on you because you truly love your bride as Jesus loved the church.

I hope you never doubt that I see you. Someday, hopefully in the near future, I will be back to normal. Someday, maybe, you will need me to love you a little more. To pick up your slack. To hold you as you cry and love you as you break.

Until that day comes though, I pray you now that I appreciate you so much my sweet husband. For the moods you endure, the tears you dry, the late nights you hug me through. I am so thankful that I married a man who steps up and picks up my slack as I fail.

And is crazy enough to tell me I’m not failing.

Yes, husband, you’re crazy enough to carry so much of the weight in these seasons and yet still deny you are carrying it. You never call me out for slacking on any of it. You simply come in and pick up, treating me with more grace than I can ever extend myself.

Husband-I am lucky to have you. I pray you always know that I know I’m lucky.

Thank you for picking up the slack me. I love you.

6 thoughts on “EN&MH: A Letter to my Husband About Mama’s Depression.

  1. I loved this, and it really hit home for me. My s/o and I struggle with each other’s depressions and anxieties and it has worked for us so far. Never easy, but it works. I’m so glad you have someone supportive in your life that can help pick up the slack. <3

  2. Depression is so ruthlessly hard on a relationship; but I’m so glad that you found someone who not only sticks by your side through the ups and downs, but is willing to do more than his fair share until you’re back on your feet again. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time–this winter was really tough for me, too. <3

  3. Ally831 says:

    I cried so hard I could barely read this because this is the kind of love, marriage and HUSBAND we all desire and pray for. Your husbands unconditional love is inspirational but it also hurts because it reminds me of my deepest regret and hurt. My “Christian” worship leader husband threw me away like trash after just 4 years of marriage. I believed he loved me but in reality he was leading a secret life. He purposely served me divorce papers on the same day my Dad died and loosing both of them on the very same day has nearly destroyed me.. My ex married his 4th wife just a few weeks after our divorce was final (she was already pregnant!) and he is still leading worship….. and a divorce recovery class😂! My faith is strong but my trust is GONE, my heart is broken and my panic attacks, anxiety and depression just keep getting worse and worse. I lost my insurance and now I’m dependent on my family which leaves me feeling more hopeless than ever. Thankful but hopeless, ashamed and EMBARRASSED! I really don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this either. If only the pain would go away just a little so I could rest. Both physically and mentally the pain is intense!!! If there are any believers out there tonight PLEASE pray for me🙏🏻! I covet your prayers!

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